The Barber & Young Boy
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied:
“Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!”
Honest Boss
My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, “Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year.”
Long Distance Relationship
My girlfriend and I are trying this whole “long distance relationship” thing.
I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
Inflation
The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car’s gas tank and tires… She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, “Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!”
I responded, “Inflation.”
Health Status
During my check-up I asked the Doctor, “Do you think I’ll live a long and healthy life then?”
He replied, “I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now.”
I said, “I don’t go in for any of that astrology nonsense.”
He replied, “Neither do I. My thermometer just broke.”
Max and Carl
One day Max went to see Carl. Carl had a big swollen nose.
“Whoa, what happened, Carl?”, Max asked.
“I sniffed a brose,” Carl replied.
“What?”, Max said. “There’s no ‘b’ in rose!”
Carl replied, “There was in this one!”
Lawyer Fees
A guy asks a lawyer about his fees.
“I charge $50 for three questions”, the lawyer says.
“That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?”, the guy asks.
“Yes, I suppose so”, the lawyer replies. “Now what’s your final question?”
The New Taxi Driver
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped cm from a shop window.
For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, “Look, mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”
